Sunday, August 22, 2010

Piranha Has Bite

The Verdict: 

It actually wasn't bad.
The fish horror film Piranha 3D certainly wasn't good as in, I'd recommend it to anyone and everyone, but it wasn't bad as in, I left the theatre mid movie.
It is was it is--- a mindless horror, borderline comedy about murderous fish that love the taste of human flesh.
The tagline says it all: "Sea, Sex and Blood."
Although there wasn't a drop of sex in Piranha.
Topless, naked and half-naked girls, yes.
Girl on girl kissing, yes.
If you're a hot-blooded male audience member, that should keep your attention if the plot can't.
The cast is surprisingly solid with almost no unknown actors and actresses. Elisabeth Shue (Leaving Las Vegas, Hollow Man) stars as the sheriff of Lake Victoria (with Ving Rhames, Baby Boy, Day of the Dead, as her deputy) who is mother to two young children and a teen son, Jake (Steven R. McQueen, T.V. show The Vampire Diaries).
Instead of watching his siblings, Jake wants to go out and have some fun with the other kids during the start of Spring Break.
He winds up on a boat called the Barracuda, as a guide for new to town, porn director, Derrick Jones (played hilariously by Jerry O' Connell, Scream 2, Obsessed ).
Also on the boat is two of Jones' porn actresses, one of who is the beautiful Kelly Brook (School for Seduction, Survival Island) and the cute girl Jake is crushing on, Kelly (Jessica Szohr, T.V. show Gossip Girl )--- who was coached into boarding the boat by Jones of course.
When Jake's little brother and sister stray from home for a little boat ride of their own, after their boat drifts away from not being properly docked, they find themselves stranded.
The Barracuda saves them but when their boat winds up crashed and sinking and invaded by killer piranhas, it's up to their mother the sheriff to save them all.
Meanwhile back on the mainland Spring Break festivities (a lot of drinking and half-naked dancing of course) are cut short by the hungry piranhas crashing the festivities.
The piranhas spill a lot of spring breakers blood and no one seems to be able to get out of the water.
Funny, ironic banners and signs are pop up as the chaos is happening: "Life is rough but not today" and "Dying to get in."
In one scene, a spoof on the Titanic seems to be made as the bow on one ship is up in the air and steadily sinking while people fall off into the water. But instead of icy waters, they are met by killer fish.
There are two really gross scenes, one where Jake's crush is on the verge of kissing him but gets sick at the exact moment and throws up before she can.
The other is of a floating disemboweled penis (Can you guess whose the piranhas bite off?)--- which two piranha actually fight over before one wins and swallows it up.
Shameless, but in good, cheesy, R-rated fun.
The 3D factor makes the two scenes even more gross as the up chuck and genitalia are right in your face.
The ending is just a scream and couldn't have ended any better way.
If released earlier, Piranha 3-D could have been been the perfect way to kick off summer movies.
Instead this fishy, water, B-horror tale turned out to be the perfect way to end them.


*The Stars:
Elisabeth Shue, Steven R. McQueen, Jessica Szohr, Jerry O' Connell, Ving Rhames, Kelly Brook, Adam Scott, Richard Dreyfuss, Christopher Llyod

Alexandre Aja

Michael Wandmacher


~How Long:
1 hr. and 29 mins.


~Piranha 3D is the second remake of the 1978 movie Piranha. The first remake was in 1995.
~Dreyfuss starred in the original fish horror film, Jaws, with the character being similar to his fisherman character in Piranha.
~Eli Roth, actor (Inglourious Basterds, Death Proof) and director (Hostel series) has a small role as a wet t-shirt contest announcer.
~Two porn stars appear in the film--- Ashlynn Brooke and Gianna Michaels.


  1. Straight 2 the point review, i seem 2 look forward 2 the fun facts section, the movie itself was better than i thought 2, typical B horror! i hope that steven mcqueen is in more, he was funny as the nerd & the girlz looked good!

  2. harvey: glad you like the fun facts section. i like adding miscellaneous tidbits about the movie in review.
    yes, piranha was typical b horror but it was one of the better ones.
    mcqueen was pretty good. he'll be in more movies probably.
    as for the girls... well, you know where to find more work of the two non-movie actresses...